Loving the Other
Rethinking Compatibility in Relationships
In a recent interview, Orna Guralnik - the therapist and host of the documentary series Couples Therapy - was asked to name one belief about romantic relationships that she no longer holds. Her answer struck a chord with me: she once believed that compatibility was the key to a successful relationship. Now, she believes that the most important quality is the ability to love someone who is different from us.
This shift in perspective is powerful and, I believe, worth reflecting upon. According to Guralnik, it’s not sameness, but difference, that offers couples the greatest opportunity for growth.
When couples reflect on the early days of their relationship, it’s often their similarities that come to mind. We are naturally drawn to people who share our values, interests, histories and sense of humour. This kind of alignment creates a sense of comfort and connection - the feeling of being on the same page. But as any long-term couple knows, over time, difference begins to reveal itself.
One partner is an early riser, the other a night owl. One thrives on structure and planning, while the other embraces spontaneity. One shows love through affection and words, the other through actions and service. These contrasts can become even more pronounced during life’s stressors - parenting, loss, illness, or major transitions. Perhaps one partner prefers a firm approach to discipline, while the other leans toward gentleness. One grieves through open expression, while the other copes by staying busy and silent.
These differences aren’t simply quirks. They’re rooted in deeper layers: personality, upbringing, culture, and even neurological wiring. The challenge in long-term relationships is learning to see this otherness not as a flaw, but as something essential - something that can enrich and deepen the bond, if approached with care.
Of course, this isn’t easy. Our default response to difference is often discomfort. When faced with it, we instinctively try to close the gap - to draw our partner into our own way of being. We might think, “If only they were more organised,” or “If only they communicated like I do,” then things would feel easier. Sometimes we attempt to change our partner consciously. More often, we do it unconsciously - subtly pushing for alignment in the belief that harmony will follow.
But while these attempts may come from a good place, they can quietly undermine the foundation of a relationship. When we ask our partners - implicitly or explicitly - to be more like us, we are asking them to quieten a core part of who they are. Over time, this can lead to a subtle erosion of connection - a feeling of being unseen or unloved for one’s true self.
One of the central tasks of any long-term relationship is learning to hold space for both similarity and difference. In couples therapy, a lot of the work involves helping partners shift how they view their differences. This shift requires curiosity, humility, and a genuine desire to understand not just what our partner does, but why they do it. What’s the emotional logic behind their preferences? What stories shaped their worldview?
At the heart of this approach is the recognition that our own perspective is not the default - and that someone else’s way of seeing and being might offer a landscape that is rich, surprising, and worth exploring.
Our Counsellor, Tracy works with us with couples and individuals.